Autonomy Lost

Finals are over. I am afraid to see the grades for my 2 classes. I know i got 2 As, but Im not sure about the other 2. There are couple of scenarios that could happen.

1. B in Cs 105 & C in Stat 410. I can somewhere continue to look forward to next semester, but I will have to drop a class, possibly Math 415 or AGED 260.

2. B in Cs 105 & D in Stat 410. Possibly an academic warning from the college. I might have to retake 410 (plz no, that class took more time than the 3 other classes combined....which was about 12 hours of work)

3. C in Cs 105 & C in Stat 410. There goes my GPA down the toilet. it was useless to retake CS.

4. C in Cs 105 & D in Stat 410. Worst scenario. I might have to drop out from college and seek help. i am thinking about how i am going to move all my stuff from illinois to arizona, or maybe i could just get a job on campus and find a cheap apartment, maybe playing some poker tournaments here and there and win big (ive been playing alot and i think im capable of winning some cash). i know there is a job at the census bureau in the spring that pays decent. i could work 60 hours a week, hopefully try and get some extra cash along the way. also, i could get more money to see a shrink since the university counselors wont be any help. maybe i could try going back to school again, maybe taking some classes at a college nearby and do well...idk...

Ever since I lost elections twice, I have lost my self confidence in anything, whether it is academics or socializing. I dont know how to explain if i got either Scenario 2-4 to the college. What to do I say? "Well, ive become really depressed recently and lost interests in school. I might need therapy again or possibly to just take a break from school." I dont really know why im having this emotional pain everyday. Im depressed everytime i wake up. it feels like the day before and it is never a brand new day. I know im supposed to be positive and all, but i cant seem to find the strength anymore. i thought i could become a better person just avoiding alcohol and drugs, but im still having those feelings before. i think it is becoming alot worse, for some reason. i am afraid to seek help. my parents wont help me and they think it will go away really quickly. i dont get why i am like this. i dont know what is wrong with me. ive been feeling this way for so long and i dont even know how it came about. i hate everyone i meet and i have trouble connecting with people. im happy whenever im playing music with people but ive not done that in so long.

i cant seem to find happiness at all. whenever i become to feel happy, i become sad 10 times longer. i cant even talk to people sometimes cuz i feel as if they are judging me or laughing at the way i look. i tend to keep myself from people and do my own thing. i wanted to change myself by being involve. i wanted to make myself better but i guess those plans will never be done at all, cuz i screwed myself over and over again. its a personality i have since i was little. i just procrastinate like always and do things at the last minute. i was able to fix that last semester, but this semester for some reason, i got abit too distracted with my surroundings. i try to focus on my work but i feel like im missing out on something all the time.

I dont even know if i should look at my grades now. im going to bangladesh and singapore next week and i dont want to become too depressed to talk to anyone. i got some people to meet up with in singapore and i still need to figure out how im going to tell my deep secret to someone i care about. i just hope it will turn out ok. i hate bottling it up for the past 4 years.

i want closure.

Evolutionary Sleeper

I started feeling delusional recently. I am spending more time in my room than being outside. I like the comfort of my room. I have to start studying for finals but i cant seem to get motivated. i wanted to do really well this semester, but looks like im ending the semester with 2 As, 1 B and a possible C. Although this will be my best semester so far, i still think i could have done a better job, if i stuck to what i really enjoyed.

i dont know why i go to parties. i dont drink or do crazy things anymore. every time im out at a bar, all the underage brothers are asking to get them drinks. im feeling like im wasting my time. i also hit the wall with my guitar playing. I am not really improving in my skills. the fact that i hate wearing my headphones cuz people around here hate loud music kinda ruins the mood.