Home To Me

I started feeling nostalgic all of a sudden. i suddenly feel like i really hate this place a lot. i feel that this place is slowly rotting me. i cannot take it anymore. i want to go back to where everything felt normal. i think alot about the past. how great it used to be. its amazing how much i have accomplished in a short time. i haven found a major yet. i dont really feel confident about my studies. i dont really have any interests in school. i am getting sick of it. but i dont wanna drop out cuz that would be stupid. i really have no clue what i want to study. i have taken all these classes and managed to do really bad in them. i dont get it. i used to get As alot in high school and when i come college, its Cs and Ds. i spent alot of my time trying to get my stuff done, but in the end, its not enough. no matter how hard i try, i dun even see results.

summer is almost ending. i got no job, spent alot of money for my st. louis trip in 2 weeks (about $1000). i am leaching off my dad every single day and i need to stop. i already gave up the job search cuz not all the 10 places ive applied to has even called me. i feel so bad that my parents are spending so much money on me and yet i feel so unhappy. i really dont know why.

so i am going to bangladesh in the winter for cousin's wedding as well as spending a week in singapore. i am really nervous about my trip to singapore. i haven been there in almost 4 years. i got about less than a week to spend. i cant waste any day doing nothing. im gonna try to meet alot of old friends and do new stuff there, now that i am 21. i know i used to be alot different in the past, but i think ive changed and im nervous cuz people would see me differently. yes, i am outspoken now and not shy, that might throw people off. i feel nervous about hanging out with my old classmates cuz i dont think they have seen the real me before. and my neighbors? i dont know if they are still in tulip garden. there are some stuff that i want to talk about, but i think its better if i dont cuz i think someone would either be upset or be happy to read about it. wat can i say is that ive been stressing alot about it and i cant stop thinking about it for the last couple of years. i always have dreams about it. i tried to move on but i couldn. even now im still thinking about it, i think that has been causing me to be really depressed.

i know i wanted to this blog to be a happy place, but its slowing turning into my old blog.