Autonomy Lost

Finals are over. I am afraid to see the grades for my 2 classes. I know i got 2 As, but Im not sure about the other 2. There are couple of scenarios that could happen.

1. B in Cs 105 & C in Stat 410. I can somewhere continue to look forward to next semester, but I will have to drop a class, possibly Math 415 or AGED 260.

2. B in Cs 105 & D in Stat 410. Possibly an academic warning from the college. I might have to retake 410 (plz no, that class took more time than the 3 other classes combined....which was about 12 hours of work)

3. C in Cs 105 & C in Stat 410. There goes my GPA down the toilet. it was useless to retake CS.

4. C in Cs 105 & D in Stat 410. Worst scenario. I might have to drop out from college and seek help. i am thinking about how i am going to move all my stuff from illinois to arizona, or maybe i could just get a job on campus and find a cheap apartment, maybe playing some poker tournaments here and there and win big (ive been playing alot and i think im capable of winning some cash). i know there is a job at the census bureau in the spring that pays decent. i could work 60 hours a week, hopefully try and get some extra cash along the way. also, i could get more money to see a shrink since the university counselors wont be any help. maybe i could try going back to school again, maybe taking some classes at a college nearby and do well...idk...

Ever since I lost elections twice, I have lost my self confidence in anything, whether it is academics or socializing. I dont know how to explain if i got either Scenario 2-4 to the college. What to do I say? "Well, ive become really depressed recently and lost interests in school. I might need therapy again or possibly to just take a break from school." I dont really know why im having this emotional pain everyday. Im depressed everytime i wake up. it feels like the day before and it is never a brand new day. I know im supposed to be positive and all, but i cant seem to find the strength anymore. i thought i could become a better person just avoiding alcohol and drugs, but im still having those feelings before. i think it is becoming alot worse, for some reason. i am afraid to seek help. my parents wont help me and they think it will go away really quickly. i dont get why i am like this. i dont know what is wrong with me. ive been feeling this way for so long and i dont even know how it came about. i hate everyone i meet and i have trouble connecting with people. im happy whenever im playing music with people but ive not done that in so long.

i cant seem to find happiness at all. whenever i become to feel happy, i become sad 10 times longer. i cant even talk to people sometimes cuz i feel as if they are judging me or laughing at the way i look. i tend to keep myself from people and do my own thing. i wanted to change myself by being involve. i wanted to make myself better but i guess those plans will never be done at all, cuz i screwed myself over and over again. its a personality i have since i was little. i just procrastinate like always and do things at the last minute. i was able to fix that last semester, but this semester for some reason, i got abit too distracted with my surroundings. i try to focus on my work but i feel like im missing out on something all the time.

I dont even know if i should look at my grades now. im going to bangladesh and singapore next week and i dont want to become too depressed to talk to anyone. i got some people to meet up with in singapore and i still need to figure out how im going to tell my deep secret to someone i care about. i just hope it will turn out ok. i hate bottling it up for the past 4 years.

i want closure.

Evolutionary Sleeper

I started feeling delusional recently. I am spending more time in my room than being outside. I like the comfort of my room. I have to start studying for finals but i cant seem to get motivated. i wanted to do really well this semester, but looks like im ending the semester with 2 As, 1 B and a possible C. Although this will be my best semester so far, i still think i could have done a better job, if i stuck to what i really enjoyed.

i dont know why i go to parties. i dont drink or do crazy things anymore. every time im out at a bar, all the underage brothers are asking to get them drinks. im feeling like im wasting my time. i also hit the wall with my guitar playing. I am not really improving in my skills. the fact that i hate wearing my headphones cuz people around here hate loud music kinda ruins the mood.

Still Running

It's coming back...

Slow Hand of Death

I got less than a week till i go back to Champaign. I have been thinking alot about what im gonna do with my life. i started having anxiety when i was fixing my schedule for next semester. something in my mind was telling me that i will have a bad schedule once i talk to my advisor. i have not decided on a major yet, and that it is very bad. why am i procrastinating? its simple. i know for sure i will end up doing something totally different from my major once i graduate. so whats the point of doing all this work when you know you are not gonna be doing what you studied for?

i met with CEOs and owners of companies during our fraternity's convention at a networking breakfast and they started out differently. One has degrees in political science and english and guess what he is working as? CEO of a finance firm. another was an electrical engineer for 22 years and got a mid-management crisis so he founded a financial planning company.

what the fuck...

I really dont know what i want to become. all i want to do is to pick a major, graduate and get the fuck out of America. im getting tired of living here. people think i have a great life. well that is true, i have a great home and family, i got accepted to a fine institution, im becoming a citizen, but i dont really know if im really happy with my life. i worked so hard to get to a university and it took my 3 semesters to mess it up.

Even though im feeling down about my college academic career, i am more confident in myself knowing that i have networked with successful people and gained some insight on landing the job i want. i have all these books that i choose to read so that i can be better than who i was before. i can look at the past as lessons and the future as life. its how i perceive the world.

A Wish Full of Dreams

Another day is going by, and I have accomplished nothing. No job, no internship, no friends, no whatsoever... why is that whenever i do something that make me feel good, my mood crashes after less than a day? i cant even push myself anymore. my dreams are fading away... i dun even know what i want to do in college anymore. paying $26,000 a year and ive learnt shit. makes me wonder why im going to school in the first place.

Awaken The Dreamers

My counselor was right, exercising does make you feel good. i worked out after a week cuz it was my last week of Italian. i think i did pretty well. i was surprised that my instructor was in Italy.

My plan for this week is workout like crazy. my goal is to lose 4 lbs this week. i lost 3 lbs last week and gained 2 cuz i took a 4 day break which was a mistake and than another 1 lb for a week break. I think im gonna cycle tomorrow and then do some weights and finally some cardio.

i need to drop at least 15 lbs by the end of the summer. i got about 6 weeks left.

Home To Me

I started feeling nostalgic all of a sudden. i suddenly feel like i really hate this place a lot. i feel that this place is slowly rotting me. i cannot take it anymore. i want to go back to where everything felt normal. i think alot about the past. how great it used to be. its amazing how much i have accomplished in a short time. i haven found a major yet. i dont really feel confident about my studies. i dont really have any interests in school. i am getting sick of it. but i dont wanna drop out cuz that would be stupid. i really have no clue what i want to study. i have taken all these classes and managed to do really bad in them. i dont get it. i used to get As alot in high school and when i come college, its Cs and Ds. i spent alot of my time trying to get my stuff done, but in the end, its not enough. no matter how hard i try, i dun even see results.

summer is almost ending. i got no job, spent alot of money for my st. louis trip in 2 weeks (about $1000). i am leaching off my dad every single day and i need to stop. i already gave up the job search cuz not all the 10 places ive applied to has even called me. i feel so bad that my parents are spending so much money on me and yet i feel so unhappy. i really dont know why.

so i am going to bangladesh in the winter for cousin's wedding as well as spending a week in singapore. i am really nervous about my trip to singapore. i haven been there in almost 4 years. i got about less than a week to spend. i cant waste any day doing nothing. im gonna try to meet alot of old friends and do new stuff there, now that i am 21. i know i used to be alot different in the past, but i think ive changed and im nervous cuz people would see me differently. yes, i am outspoken now and not shy, that might throw people off. i feel nervous about hanging out with my old classmates cuz i dont think they have seen the real me before. and my neighbors? i dont know if they are still in tulip garden. there are some stuff that i want to talk about, but i think its better if i dont cuz i think someone would either be upset or be happy to read about it. wat can i say is that ive been stressing alot about it and i cant stop thinking about it for the last couple of years. i always have dreams about it. i tried to move on but i couldn. even now im still thinking about it, i think that has been causing me to be really depressed.

i know i wanted to this blog to be a happy place, but its slowing turning into my old blog.

Foot To The Throat

Summer Slaughter was great. I had a blast. I have never watched a live death metal show for hours straight. My ears were ringing for the next few days. I took a a lot of pictures and couple of video. I got couple of free posters which got autographed. i got a tour tshirt which looks cool.

To Breathe In A Casket

The 3rd of week summer is almost ending. I still haven heard from various places i applied for a job. People tell me that the economy is really bad. I dont really think thats the case. Im pretty sure there are other places that need people. But what do i know? Im not an economist or a fortune teller.

Meanwhile, I started my first online course at ASU. Im taking 3rd level Italian. It feels weird cuz you are learning by yourself. I think its becoming a little interesting. I mean, im good in Italian. I got As in my first 2 levels, the best grade ive gotten in college. The course is pretty intensive. Im spending at least 4 hours a day on it, but i actually like it.

So my job situation isn going anywhere, so i decided im gonna work online like i did last summer. i dont know if i can do it cuz my internet keeps shutting off. i started playing poker again and im gonna start for real money. im gonna be very careful, cuz you can lose alot of money if you make mistakes.

The rest of my summer goes like this - 3 concerts

6/26 Summer Slaughter 2009 - Necrophagist, Born of Osiris, Darkest Hour!!!, Ensiferum, Winds of Plague, Dying Fetus, Beneath the Massacre

This will be my first death metal concert.

7/17 Mayhem Festival 2009 - All That Remains, Killswitch Engage, Trivium, Bullet For My Valentine, God Forbid, Slayer

This is the best lineup i have ever seen. i am very excited about this.

7/21 10 bands $10 - Terror, Poison The Well, etc

Im only going cuz of Terror.

I am going to these concerts by myself. I figured i shouldn miss out on stuff if i cant get anyone to come with me.

7/22 -7/26 Convention - Im going to my fraternity convention. im kinda stoked.

I think im going to California in July. Yeah, thats my plan for the summer so far.

Drift

I started to realize what i have been missing out on. it wasn the parties that i said no to, or the hang-outs. It is lack of creating something new, which is music. i dont understand why i cant do my own things. the fact that people are bringing me to their level is just scary. i have gotten out of the drinking/drug lifetsyle and it hurts so much. my 21st birthday was really depressiing cuz i didn enjoy what i did. i think i can do much better next time, maybe with a set of different people who i enjoy the most. to be honest, i hate the fraternity in terms of fun. it wasn like this before. i really dread coming back here after a long day of school, cuz really, not much happens around here. its a nice weather outside and people choose to stay inside... i really need to re-evaluate myself...

Abstain

I have been sober for 24 weeks already. Im turning 21 in 3 weeks and im trying to do decide what to do for my birthday. i have plans to celebrate it without my fraternity brothers, because i dont feel very comfortable around them when im around alcohol. i dont know if they are my true friends. it is hard without tim around cuz he understands the consequences and he usually tells me to do the right thing.

i had the best birthday last year. i went out to celebrate 3 times. once was at hooters, the other time was at the house and Brothers', and finally at Steak and Shake. This year is different. i dont really hang out with my friends from freshman year cuz they live all over campus.

this is what i have been thinking the past weekend. i think i need to find new friends who got similar interests as me.

Im So Glad

I got a 89 % and a 92 % on 2 of my math midterms. I never got such high scores here in college. Hardwork does pay off! im really glad i am in this major cuz i love math so much. Im getting a hang of studying everyday now. 

Last weekend has been really crazy with unofficial st paddy's day. our house got really thrashed so we cleaned up. i studied most of the time during the weekend cuz i had a midterm on monday and one on tuesday. i think i did well on the math midterm but not accounting. i just cant seemed to grasp the ideas, maybe i need to take a step back and look at it at another perspective.

anyway, this week is gonna be fun cuz i dun have any big midterms coming and its gonna be spring break in less than 2 weeks. Im thinking of going out this weekend and maybe get a date for my chapter's impromptu next wednesday. i really dont know how im gonna be doing this. i never have actually went out and told myself to get a date. i hope i can get someone.

New

I have made a brand new blog. I have deleted the previous blog which i had in a long time.

Update on my life -

1. Changed my major to undecided but I am going to declare Actuarial Science by the summer.
2. I am living in a new room with a great roommate who got engaged to his long time girlfriend of 5 years.
3. I have been sober from alcohol for 13 weeks and going strong.
4. I haven been high for 6 weeks.
5. I started practicing Islam again
6. I have been super busy with my classes and i love it.
7. I study on Saturday and Sunday afternoons and nights.
8. I started going to the gym at 6:30 am on Tues Thurs and Sat.
9. I walk to classes now.
10. I eat healthy and drink lots of water.
11. I plan on doing summer school at Arizona State and transfer credits to here.
12. I plan on taking my first actuarial science exam at the end of the semester.
13. I am a membership events chair at my chapter so i make events happen.
14. I am not in any bands because I am busy.
15. I think life will become better from now on.