Bounce

It has been almost 2 years since my last blog post. I am reading through my posts and I found them really depressing with swings. I decided that I should continue blogging again. I don't who reads this blog but if you do, feel free to comment, anonymously or not.

What is new?

I graduated from college a year ago. I received a job offer two days after graduation. I have been working there for about 10 months already. I am earning an income. I bought a brand new car on the first weekend of work and moved into a home where I pay rent for a room, 15 mins from work. I am doing things related to my degree so it is great. I am sober for the last 4 years. Still living the straight edge lifestyle.

Enough about the real world. I want to talk real stuff.

Over time, I have been questioning my beliefs. I was not sure what to believe in and who I am as a person.

I am an atheist, an ex-Muslim, and a non-believer. I have not told my family about this. They keep talking about Islam and I tried to say that I don't pray. I don't see the point of it. I was told to believe in something that is not real to me. I don't see it. I don't have passion for it.

I can't tell them. How can I live my life like this? Religion seem to dictate everything about how a person live and act. I don't live that way. I live the way what makes me feel happy on the inside. I don't need religion to be a good person. I volunteer and sponsored a child from Ethiopia. I help people who are in need. Does that make me a bad person because I don't believe in god?

Happiness is not about doing what people tell you to do in order to fulfill their wishes. It is about doing what you love to do. If you do things for people and you are not happy, then why bother doing it? I am not happy with this world. We should be free to do the things that makes us happy. We should have the freedom to choose our own futures. God does not decide things for us. We decide them by ourselves.

We cannot rely on something that does not exist and expect something in return. We need to believe in ourselves that we can accomplish our goals.

Relapse

I have been thinking about drinking again. It has been 34 months since I had a drink. I feel really weird around the people I hang out with. The people I live with a binge drinkers, they drink to get drunk while the people I volunteer with are social drinkers. They do not go wild and do anything stupid. I have been contemplating to start again, only with the social drinkers. I feel that there is a lot of pressure from my peers to drink. I know it will end badly and it would be even worse than before.

I think being sober is great. Your mind is very alert and you are aware of your surroundings. I would recommend anyone to do this. It is a great satisfaction to stop drinking because you feel so much better. I have lost lots of weight. I used to be around 160lbs now I am 135 lbs. I also eat less and bike more often.

For me, I just feel weird being around people. I used to be anti-social growing up and I had a hard time making friends. As I got older, it became harder. Most people I know that do not drink are Muslims and unfortunately for me, I am an atheist.

There are some criteria I would start drinking again:
1) Getting a full time job in statistics
2) Manchester United winning the Treble this season (Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League).

Home

I am in Singapore, bored out of my mind... I want to do something fun like ride my bike, but i dont have a bike here....

two.2.due.dos.dooey.ni.

2 years did not go by quickly. I felt so much pain during these years. I made a lot of sacrifices. I did not do it because of religious reasons.

I did it to save myself from ending my own life

My lifestyle does not complement to the environment I am in.

I need to get out...

People think it is easy.

It's not.

I swear I did this all on my own. Nobody suggested anything. What worked before worked. So I decided to fall to my old self, the way I liked it.


That feeling of sadness has come back once again. I am really depressed now. I am doing badly in school and I am trying my best. I just want to be left alone. Something about the solitude keeps me satisfied with my life. No drama, no trying to get this girl then realize I wont be able to maintain the relationship, etc

I haven been home in almost a year. I am so burnt out. I am taking a full load next semester and it is not looking very good.

I am hooked on the internet. Poker, browsing, chatting....I cant get away. I tried to start an assignment at 11 am but it is already 9pm...

Tick tock, the clock goes by...

Swim to the Moon

I am doing bad in school. I cant keep my head straight. I am addicted to the computer. I feel anxious if I dont use it. The funny thing is that I didn play any online poker for 2 weeks and I am falling behind school.

I cant seem to focus...

I wished I went home before starting summer school. I feel so homesick right now. I dont really have that many friends here, the ones I used to hang out with just plain suck. I have been sober for a long time and I have finally reached the point of my life where I really hate being around alcohol cuz it makes me so sick. The memories of that night keeps coming back every time i see it.

Tick tock tick tock...

That is all I hear in the head. I lost so much time here. I wish I never lived in the house. I wish I never lost touch with my friends from high school. I wish for so many things.

I crave that poison...

I am looking for the next thing. I want to see what the other side of campus is like. The non party people. I know there is a place for me here, but I cant find it.

This is not what I imagined...

I need to go back to counseling and maybe therapy. I want to know why I feel this way for the last decade.

Poker Face

I have been playing online poker since October 2009. I started to teach myself how to play last year and I started playing for real money. I won a 3rd place at my fraternity's tournament which was $20 ($5 buy in) and I became really into it. I started actively participating at the poker club at the university and met lots of people. I was able to have a network of friends whom I could go to whenever i was having a hard time playing.

How I started off

1. $10 bankroll, staked in $8 for 4 tables at the .01/.02 tables (bad idea for bankroll management) lost almost all of it, realizing that playing for $2 per table was dumb, and i was very new at cash game poker.

2. Deposited $20, started playing $1 normal tables, worked my way up to $40, then started playing for $2 table. I struggled alot and at one point i was below $40. My bro, crazydude893, helped me fix some of my leaks and i shot up from $45 to $104 in 2 weeks, with a $23 session in one day. When i reached $80, i knew i was good at this stakes so i bought in for $3 tables and i shot up crazy.

3. With a bankroll of $103, i started the .025/.05 tables and won a buy in ($5). The next day was perhaps the worst day of my poker career yet. I lost 8 buyins ($40) in less than 2 hours. All my hard earned $40 gone right there. I was tilting hard. I had to go back to NL2 to re-earn my bankroll.

4. The comeback to NL5 was brutal, really brutal. At NL2, i saw a whole new game, really different kinds of plays. It was like you were in an alternate universe. With $70, I went up to $79 then down to $59 and up and down, barely reaching $80 few times. I got myself a poker program that tracks stats of opponents and i was gaining profits.

5. Today, I came back to $100 and took a shot again at NL5. In less than 20 mins and 79 hands ( I play about 2000 hands a day, tabling 10+ tables on NL2), I made $12.50 playing on only 6 tables! I have learnt to tighten up and I see really good results in the future. I have estimated that I will take 2 weeks to beat this stake.

My goal is to beat NL5 on June 13th, cuz my summer school starts the day after.

Shuffle up and deal!

Sun of Nothing

The sun of nothing. Floating towards the sun, the sun of nothing. I have become the sun of nothing.
Nothing is here. Memories are not clear.
Floating to the sun… farther away.
I can't believe that’s what it has come to... I never really had it all that bad.
I just looked around and never thought about the blank stares.

1 1/3 years = 16 months = 480 days = 11,520 hours = 691,200 min = 41,472,000 secs

I tried hard to end all. It keeps coming back. I run away, but I am not moving. I wanna get away, from all this. It is consuming me alive. I want this to end.